Potty Patrol

All touring bands small and large can agree on one thing that is important to have at every venue you play… a nice shitter. Whether traveling by bus, van or whatever; you can appreciate a nice porcelain throne to rest you holy-ass prior or post any performance… I’m a fan of the pre-game dump.
If you walk into a club and the bathroom has no stall door, no TP, etc. it can equate to a really-long-miserable evening; or a rush-trip to a gas station. If a venue has glorious, clean, private commodes… well that is the making for a comfortable & eventful evening. As an empty gut leads to a party-conducive situation; in turn allowing the madness to ensue, ensuring a good time for all.

It has been a long thought to rate clubs on some sort of a doody-compatible ranking, so here it is:  Potty Patrol. This is a grading system for all of the clubs BATHROOMS that are encountered on the road as a musician. The rating is on a 1-5 turd scale (1 turd being completely awful: 5 turds being an ideal bathroom). In no way does this reflect personal feelings of the club as a whole… just their band-accessible shitter.

You can follow Potty Patrol on Instagram (username: pottypatrol).

The following is Model Stranger’s findings during The Changing Score. I apologize in advance as some of the restrooms during this tour were omitted for various reasons such as over-consumption and genitals being in the photos… enjoy


The Veve

The Verve – Terre Haute, IN : 2 turds
Public Facility. Separate Men/Women excretion pods were available, however, no doors on the stalls and Men/Women share a washing station.


Radio RadioRadio Radio – Indianapolis, IN: 4 turds
Public Facility. The only thing keeping this bathroom from 5 turds is the fact that it is not a private band shitter and it didn’t have a shower. It was clean, fashionably sleek and smelled of sweet marmalade.


Kafe KerouacKafe Kerouac – Columbus, OH: 2.5 turds
Public Facility. This shitter was clean, extremely artistic, had a musky scent and a locking door: all wins. However, it was the only restroom in the entire venue… as the night went on so did dudes pissing all over the place and girls overflowing the rubbish bin with tampons. Bloody awful.


Stone TavernStone Tavern – Kent, OH: 2.5 turds
Public Facility. The creepy part about this one… it is damn near identical to the one in Kafe Ferouac (Columbus, OH). The same “john” must have built both shitters… Cool art though.


BuzzbinBuzzbin – Canton, OH: 2 turds
Public Facility. If a current day speakeasy had a bathroom, this would be it. I felt like I was in a scene from Swingers trying to get to this bathroom; past the bar, through the kitchen, over the hills to Grandma’s house we go. But hey, it had a locking door and no feces on the toilet seat, so that’s a plus.


Bob & Barbara'sBob & Barbara’s – Philadelphia, PA: 2.5 turds
Public Facility. This place had separate Men/Women commodes and was clean but the warning on the door said it all “One Gentleman at a time please.” I discovered why this was there about half-way through the evening when I was invited into the restroom by a very kind gentleman; I don’t know if it was for some blow or a blow, but I graciously declined the invite.


Pete's Candy StorePete’s Candy Store – Brooklyn, NY: 2.5 turds
Public Facility. Cool, vintage tin-tiles & appliances, paintings of naked women, stocked with TP… but there was only 2 unisex bathrooms and the close confines was relative to an airplane facility.


Lit LoungeLit Lounge – Manhattan, NY: 2.5 turds
Private Facility. If an S&M dungeon had a shitter this would be it. Cold, painted black, old bricks and concrete, a musty smell… literally underground. It’s saving factor is that it was private to the performers.


Guido's SpeakeasyGuido’s Speakeasy – Frederick, MD: 2.5 Turds
Public Facility. Nothing extraordinarily wrong or right about this one. Small, functional, somewhat clean and had a lock on the door.


Emerald LoungeEmerald Lounge – Asheville, NC: 3.5 turds
Public Facility. Similar to Radio Radio: very clean, sleek, private stalls (literally separate rooms) and smelled of rich mahogany.


As I said, some of these clubs got left off hook by either getting me too drunk or someones wang getting in a picture (sometimes an accidental selfie). Other clubs (i.e. Martyrs’ in Chicago) were of 5 turd rating; complete with private green-room shitter, shower and powder rooms. Feel free to keep following Potty Patrol on Instagram and if you’re feeling extra spicy you can follow my other account… Pooplosophy: a collection of writings found on bathroom walls 🙂

Asses Down,

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